Consumption

There's nothing like a nice, genuine and sincere compliment to salute the quality of a person or a relationship. But compliments aren't always expressed in the best possible way... The art of praise is not for everyone. Here's why you might feel hurt by a compliment, and what's behind it.

They make you feel good, they fill you up, they fulfill and reassure you; compliments immediately reinforce your well-being. At least, that's what they imply. Distributors of kind words often think they're doing the right thing, and their intentions are seemingly pure.

But while it's true that compliments flatter the ego, they can also give you a real slap in the face. So, true or false compliments? It all depends on the context in which they're given, the person receiving them and, above all, the person uttering them. 

In the United States, flattering is a term that's definitely no longer part of the language of Generation Z. According to The Guardian newspaper, it's even “the new fashionable f-word”, a word to be avoided at all costs. Why? Because a person is considered beautiful if, and only if, the clothes they wear perfectly match today's beauty standards. It's a form of innuendo linked to aesthetic diktats and social representations, common in the world of compliments. 

The expression “You're beautiful for your age” is meant to be comforting, yet it unconsciously implies the notion of youth. To be young is to be beautiful. It's an old-fashioned prejudice that still gives rise to abuse. Just think of over-the-top cosmetic surgery and the race for eternal youth, which is often the norm among Hollywood celebrities.

“You're beautiful today!” is another offence if it's repeated and said in particular circumstances. Indeed, why insist on the 'today'? Does it mean that every other day, the person opposite isn't pretty? Something to think about...

Then, there's the unfortunate “Wow, you've lost weight, you look great!" Even if it's meant to be reassuring, even if the person you're talking to has really been dieting, even if this recognition can be beneficial, the fact remains that this compliment is open to interpretation. Today, more than ever, being slim evokes beauty. To be slim is to fit into the box of normality, the one imposed on you. A slim physique is deemed more attractive than another. Behind this phrase lies the weight of a collectively shared judgment.

“You're not like the others. You're different.” Maliciously, this statement attempts to seduce by isolating a woman from others. It implies that all women are the same, that they belong to the same category. But then, what do women represent in the eyes of others? Is she just the sum of billions of personalities? Just an indissociable whole? 

“You're a beautiful person,” is an expression that has become part of everyday language, socially accepted, on that enriches and floods the seventh art as well as the media world. It's a formula that praises another person's human values and moral qualities. This praise also expresses our narcissism: "If I date a beautiful person, it's because I am one, otherwise we wouldn't get along. It's an indirect way of reassuring ourselves and drawing attention to our own worth. It raises the question of what a real compliment is,” explains psychoanalyst Isabel Korolitski for Psychologies. Having become banal, considering the other person in their entirety without taking the time to dissect and name their qualities, this praise could lose its sacred place and be relegated to the rank of a “false compliment”.

For a compliment to truly be a compliment, there's nothing like spontaneity, the truth of the present moment. Valuing your interlocutor at a given moment, adapting to his or her capacity to receive, being ready to give without feeling like you're losing - these are just a few tips for mastering the art of a true compliment.

(MH with AsD & JAG - Illustration: Unsplash)